


Inappropriate office behavior

by Lizarman



Series: Zootopian texts [3]
Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Minor Violence, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8212951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizarman/pseuds/Lizarman
Summary: Nick’s bragging on Precinct One leads to some polar-ized arguments. And fluff.





	

That monday Officer Judy Hopps came to work notably relaxed. She was happy, clean, and seemed to dance into the place. She offered some donuts to Clawhauser, who ate them all in one go (being a rabbit-sized box), she said hello to all of her fellow officers, who mostly grunted. There was little point at talking to them before they got their coffee, but she tried anyway.

She was eyeing the vending machine to decide what flavour of sugar-loaded soda to get when a carrot floated in front of her vision. Or more exactly, hanged from a thread. Confused, she raised her paw to grab it, but the vegetable pulled up at the last possible moment, escaping her reach.  
Her police training and common sense told her to turn around, finding Nick, who had sneaked behind her with a literal carrot on a stick.

“My my, fluff. You really have a sweet tooth for carrots for this to work. I usually tie some 20 bucks to the string.”  
She gave him a disapproving look, jumping all of a sudden and grabbing the carrot, quickly cutting the string with her teeth before failing back down.  
“First of all Nick, this was incredibly rude for any donkey who saw you coming with this.”

Sergeant Eeyore gave a depressed sigh. He only hoped for retirement to come soon.  
“And second?” He asked, one paw still on his back, the other shifting so he could inspect the bitten down string. And they said his fangs were scary?

“Second… I’ll think of something. I’d like to know what were you even thinking.”  
He smiled knowingly at her, revealing a box from a fancy coffee shop he was hiding behind his back.  
“You’ll see, I had decided to be an awesome friend and bring you breakfast, but I thought it’d be a waste to do it just as a nice gesture… why not have something to apologize for?”

“Your social skills never cease to amaze me, Sly.” She grinned, taking another of the donut boxes and opening on a table. THEIR table, since they seemed to be the only ones who used such a short table on the cafeteria. Bogo had placed signs warning that it was NOT a step nor a short chair. “By the way, next time I buy carnivore donuts, I’ll have my camera ready. Those faces were worth framing.”

Nick’s face seemed to shine when he saw his bacon-flavored pastries, even some fish ones. Judy had made sure they were bagged individually. The smell still turned her stomach.  
“Mmhhh… you’re fattening me up Fluff. And the front desk is already manned by Clawhauser.”

The bunny grunted, but she actually found that funny. She accepted the rabbit-sized drink, Mocha with carrot and pumpkin spices.  
“You got looks. My barista asked me if I was planing on luring somebody with this. Her loss, I was going to tip.”

Suddenly the coffee seemed to taste sour to her. She glanced at her friend, and understood how much difficult it was to get other animals to trust him.  
“I’m… sorry. Next time let me come with you, I’ll give her a piece of my mind.”

He gave her a mocking chuckle, but halfway there it turning into an honest, almost hysterical laugh. “Aw… you’d be the angriest pair of ears poking over the counter that ever scolded her.”  
She crossed her arms, giving him the stink eye. She didn’t take nicely on people making fun of her height.

“Hey, I’m kidding Judy, But… don’t go. I’m a grown up cop fox, I can fight my own battles. Dang… I’m pretty sure I was sneaking dirty magazines from shops when you still wore diapers.” One of his eyebrows raised at the picture of Judy as a baby. “Mh… say Sweetheart, shouldn’t you give me your mom’s phone number? Just in case something happens, you know…”

Sometimes, he was painfully easy to read.  
“I’m not letting you ask my mom for baby pictures. I already wish to die every time your phone plays my ringtone, no need to give you more ammo. You’d probably cover my desk with baby pictures of me.”

There was an important number of predators on the first precinct, but only one could shriek so loud that Judy’s ears would feel like bursting.  
“Ooooooh! Baby bunny pictures?! That’d be absolutely cu...rious to see!” She knew he had barely avoided using the C word. Each time Nick looked like he wanted to ask her what was that about. Someday she might tell him all about it.

“Sorry Clawie, she won’t share. Maybe I’ll have to marry her just to get invited to meet the inlaws and sneak some from the family album.” The fox exaggeratedly sighed, acting as if he shared his disappointment at not getting adorable baby bunny pictures. “With as many siblings as she’s got, I’m pretty sure her mom’s got a full library of family albums.”

He wasn’t wrong at all, there was a huge room where they stored most pictures, along with home tapes and some other stuff. Bonnie Hopps was a very organized matron. She got the urge to put things in order whenever she was pregnant. And that was… often. The “Hand me downs” room was visited by economics students as a wonderful example of organization and categorization.

But her mind wasn’t on the family albums nor the tapes with incredibly embarrassing school plays. Not even Judy’s, that was labeled with a red marker just as a warning. She was thinking of Nick’s suggestion of him, marrying her. It was absurd… but so was their whole friendship. The ways she got lost in his face. She stepped forward, getting close to the fox. He looked at her with interest, and was the first to talk.

“Judith?” He asked, with that voice that she’d spend hours listening to.  
“Yes?” Was her reply, her ears pressed against her back to hide how red they looked from excitement.  
“You’re stepping on my darn tail again.” Pointed the canine down. So the ZPD hasn’t got carpets after all! The bunny jumped backwards, laughing in shame at her own clumsiness.

“I swear, my partner never looks where she’s stepping. The day I met her, she got knee-deep in wet cement.” Cracked Nick, getting some laughs from their fellow officers who heard him.  
Now she was a whole different kind of embarrassed.

Not because her partner was making fun of her at her expenses, She was quite used to that. But because she had realized how easily she got lost in his eyes. Just the tone of his voice when he actually bothered to use her name was enough for her to stop on her tracks and leave her mind blank.

There was no point in denying that. She was falling for her fox friend. Quite probably she was the last one on Zootopia and the surrounding areas to realize that. She had to restrain herself from laughing out loud at her own obliviousness to her feelings. She had been so focused on her work and everything else that she hasn’t taken a second to consider what she was feeling.

She wondered how Nick felt. She knew he cared for her, in a way it was hard for the fox, so used of hiding his feelings behind a mask of impassiveness. She had seen him baring his fangs at whoever threatened her, and being actually hurt when she misspoke more than once.

Could they work together? They made a great pair as policemen, but as a couple? They’d surely have fun, but he had a way to get on her nerves, and she could be too strict for his easy-going and sometimes cheating way of deal with things.

One tiny voice, sounding similar to her dad’s and her grandpa’s in a way, reminded her that society wouldn’t be nice to them. They’d be the weird ones, a bunny letting herself fall on the arms of the very being who evolved to hunt her. Quite probably some ancient relative of hers had been hunted and devoured by one of Nick’s. Could she live with society frowning at her?

Once again she found herself holding her laughs. She, Judith Laverne Hopps worried about what OTHERS would think of HER life choices? She actually felt sorry for whoever would try to insult or degrade them for acting on their feelings. The many ways Nick and her would be able to destroy their critics would cause shudders to Machiavelli himself.

She would have thought about it further, but a dark-furred hand snapped its fingers right in front of her eyes, making her jump startled. Literally jump, nearly her own height, and into the belly of a polar bear officer.  
“Good grief Carrots, where is your mind today?” Cracked the fox, as Andersen took one of the bear-sized coffees that Nick had brought. How did he even carry that barrel of caffeine?

“Heh, sorry, I was a million miles away.” She lied with a chuckle. She was right there, where it for her, she’d be very, very, VERY close to that fox.  
That wasn’t appropriate during work hours.  
Actually, according to the rulebook, they should talk to Bogo and he’d decide if they’re fit to continue being partners. Maybe they should keep it secret for a while, until they see if it’s going somewhere.

That damned fox, rubbing his bad habits on her! What the heck would she do when she’d introduce him to his family? He’d corrupt all of her lil’ brothers and sisters…  
She looked at her coffee surprised. She guessed it was some strong blend to make her brain go at apparently a hundred miles per hour. She looked up again when Nick continued the usual banter.

“Maybe she was distracted realizing how incredibly handsome I am... I did tell her some very interesting stories this weekend.” Her ears perked, at the same times her eyes bulged open in horror. He wouldn’t dare…  
“I’m sure she’s still processing the fact I mentioned having brought to orgasm one of your kind.” He elbowed Andersen’s leg playfully, managing an annoyed grunt from the large polar.

“Please Wilde, no one will believe that,” grunted the senior officer, as Snarlof walked in, chuckling. “Hey old man, don’t be like that. Many uneven-sized couples use toys and the sort of things to make their partners… happy.”  
“Oh, and you’re an expert on that?” Jabbed the older bear back at him, getting a startled meep from the younger one. And now what was he going to say? Just one time he got one toy for one of Chef Bogo’s dates… and he seemed to be cursed with keeping the secret forever.

“No toys were involved. Well, a pair of handcuffs, but it was just to add to the kinky mood.” Assured Nick, earning a thank-you look from Snarlof. After that, the bear would gladly jump in front of a bullet for the fox. Meanwhile, the older officer grunted slightly, grabbing some donuts for himself and asking: “So, you’re serious, you had a lady bear for yourself and you, heh, managed to make her happy?”

“That’s not easy task! My wife is always complaining that I either put more effort on it, or she’ll claw my ears off!” Chuckled the young bear. Judy’s mind went back to a certain female polar bear instructor back at the academy. Could it be? She’d have to investigate.  
“Snarl, you should put more effort in EVERYTHING on your life.” Grunted the older one, feeling quite satisfied with giving some crap to his partner too.

“I never said it was a lady bear.” Dropped Nick nonchalantly, at the exact moment to get an ear-piercing squeal from Clawhauser, for Snarlof to choke on a piece of donut and Andersen to almost drop his coffee down his neck. He’d have to wash his white fur anyway. Nick HAD to have timed it on purpose, but he still acted shocked and offended. “Aw, come on guys, this is the 21st century, is everybody on this precinct going to make it a big deal like Carrots did last saturday? I like dick and puss, that’s all.”

“N-No, no, it’s fine… I just didn’t expect it from you.” Snarlof justified himself. Judy hurried to take his side. “Yeah, I didn’t expect it, but there is nothing wrong, right guys?”  
“Yeah, everybody here knows about Clawhauser, but you… well, we were quite more focused on betting about how long would it take for you and Hopps to get together.”  
The rabbit was about to open her mouth when her brain processed what Snarlof had said. They were betting about her love affairs? Those cops had way too much time on their paws.

Meanwhile Andersen looked at both his bear partner and Clawhauser. He had known them for quite some time. And most of the station, having been there for nearly 25 years now.  
“What the heck… Snarl, you think the guys would mind if I bring my mate to the next Police Gala? I think h-he’d… like to meet you guys.”

The younger polar was more surprised to hear about his partner’s private life than any other word in that sentence. Of course he soon caught up on everything.  
“Of course we’d love to have him around! Old man, why did you keep that private?! I didn’t even know you had anybody on your life!”  
Andersen growled in annoyance when Clawhauser pounced to hug him, happy to be witness of the second coming-out of the day in that office.

“Kiddo, I was born in the freaking seventies. I wasn’t exactly raised to be proud and outgoing about… that sort of thing.”  
Nick had to climb a table to pat the bear’s arm in support.  
“Hey, there is nothing wrong, as long as you two are happy. Plus, I might have some tricks to teach you, like the…”

“I said I was discrete about it, not ignorant. I don’t need to hear about what YOU do anymore than what this dumb piece of meat does.”  
“Hey! It’s an hormonal issue!” Complained Clawhauser, stepping back with his pride hurt.  
“I mean Snarlof, this rookie acts like he’s still a horny teenager all day long.”  
“Hey!” Now it was the young polar’s turn to act hurt.

The cheetah seemed to go back to his usual cheerful mood:  
“Andersen, come on buddy, you gotta give us more! Is he a bear too? What does he do? How did you meet?” He should be in charge of interrogations. For a bad cop-good cop routine at least.  
“He’s a black bear, he works at a software company doing some database thing I can’t never spell right, and we meet back when he was working at an “I.T. Pack” company. I needed my laptop fixed, we chatted a bit and… we… kind of connected?”

“He sounds like a sweet guy.” The cheetah agreed, munching on a donut. Where the heck did he keep getting those? The lunchroom should be barren by now. “Oh Em Gee! You two could adopt a lil panda bear! He’d be black and white, so adorable!”  
Poor Judy, she tried to not think too hard on that. Bunny minds were too set on multiplying. Just the mention of babies made her picture how would it be to raise a kit with Nick…

On a second thought, that actually made her think twice about it. Nick could be a fun guy and all… and he seemed to know how to deal with children, but… did she really trust him with educating one?  
Did she even want cubs? Well… maybe yes. But on the future.  
Although Nick playing fox dad with Finnick was adorable… dang, now she wanted to have Nick’s babies. What would they even look like?

Poor Andersen. He seemed actually hurt by the suggestion, That paper coffee mug was getting crushed inside his huge paws.  
“We were actually looking for a surrogate mother.” He confessed, avoiding their looks by staring at the snack machine. Seemed like they were out of salmon and berries bars. More aimed at grizzly bears, but he still loved those. “It’s not easy to adopt in most places, being two males…”

“You could ask Fluff over here, she already has like a whole town of siblings. Apparently her kind are pros at making babies.”  
This time she stepped on his tail in propose. Hard enough for him to yelp and drop his coffee, nearly empty at this point.  
“You deserved it this time, Sly.” She reminded him. Nick had graduated the academy, but still couldn’t defeat her on a fight. And he knew it.

“Heh… we’re looking for a female BEAR.” He grunted, baring his fangs at Nick. He didn’t like mammals mocking him about that. His heart had been broken one time too many already “Either a polar or a black bear, so we could have a cub that’s both our species.” Explained Andersen. Not easy, there weren’t that many bears in zootopia, and not many willing to have a cub for a gay couple on top.  
And of course, Snarlof had to open his big mouth.

“You could ask my wife. She’s been telling me how much she’d like to be a mother, even if we can’t take care of a kid. She’d really like to be a surrogate mother, heh.”  
That was the breaking point for Andersen. With a sudden roar that shook the walls of precinct one’s cafeteria, his huge paw took hold of Snarlof’s shirt by the neck and pushed him against the wall, knocking over one of the tables on the way there. The force of the impact kicked the air out of the younger bear’s lungs, who was actually raised a few inches in the air to face his enraged partner.

“I have a shitton of patience. I can stand your incessant babbling, your stupid puns… but not this. You can’t make fun of this sort of thing and expect me to just let it fucking slide over!”  
By the way he was showing his teeth, he seemed ready to get on an actual claw fight with the other bear. Judy looked around, but there wasn’t any officer nearby who might have the strength to pull an enraged a polar bear away from his prey. Where were Chief Bogo or Francine the elephant when you needed them?

“I’m… not joking, you old senile asshole.” Grunted Snarlof. The usually friendly bear wasn’t too kind on being roughed this way. “I’m not messing with ya, I’m just… fucking let me go!”  
The rookie then gave his bear partner a headbutt, and a push, strong enough to get his uniform torn by his partner’s claws, and to throw the older bear on his ass with a bloody nose. “So don’t act like a goddam savage just because something gets on your nerves. You’re a cop, for fuck’s sake!”

“Do you have ANY idea what’s like to think «This time’s for real, this time we’ll be parents» and to have your heart broken, again, and again, and again? By the fucking adoption agencies, by surrogate mothers who, at the last moment, decide they don’t want to go through that?!”  
The huge bear seemed to be in the verge of tears, only his pride and anger holding him back.

“Talitha won’t be able to have cubs in 5 years.” Growled Snarlof in response. To hear such a fun and easy-going bear use that cold, harsh tone sent shivers down Judy’s spine. It was a completely different kind of anger than Andersen’s. “She has this… shit, I can’t never say the name right, but it’s something in her womb. Because of some wounds she suffered while on duty. That’s why she’s teaching at the academy now, because she’s still wounded.”

Andersen could only sit there, with his mouth shut, and his eyes glued to his partner.  
“Her womb it’s… drying, and scarring. In a few years she’ll be barren. And they told us that… if she got pregnant, that could stop the decay a bit, get her a few more years before she’s unable to have another cub. But we can’t. Right now, we can’t have a cub. I’m working long hours, so is she. We’re still paying the house and the student loans and half of the fucking furniture. We don’t have the time or the money to raise a cub properly. We might… be stable enough to do that, in five years. Maybe even three. But we might not BE ABLE TO by then. So… so YES. She was looking to be a mother, because she might use the time to get things ready at home, and because it would heal her insides, even if just for a while. Long enough for us to have our own cub too!”

Both bears were now silent, wordlessly contemplating each other, panting with the exhaustion of the argument.  
Andersen was the first to move. Slowly and non-threatening he took hold of a table and used it to raise himself to his feet. Of course, as soon as he was standing, his usual stern face seemed threatening again.  
“So… you ARE serious about it.”

“Of course I am.” Replied Snarlof. He was feeling genuinely hurt at his partner’s distrust. At this point, they should at least be able to know when one was serious or not.  
“You’d… you’d help us have a cub?” The question wasn’t if he’d really do. It was more like a request, IF they’d do it.

Snarlof gave him a cheeky smile. Now he got him.  
“You old fucker, don’t ask me, Ask Talitha, she’s the one who’ll have to go through that.”  
The older bear suddenly lunged forward, this time hugging the younger one as his shoulders shook, the usually stern man trying not to sob as he thanked his fellow officer.

“You… you better get your fucking head on the game, you rookie, because I’m not gonna let my son’s godfather act like a goof all day long.”  
Poor Snarlof had a hard time not laughing at the silliness of the moment. It was so rare to feel appreciated by Andersen, that he decided to just milk it for as long as he could.  
“Shouldn’t we discuss that kind of details?” He suggested, as he patted the older bear’s back.

“Fuck you, you don’t have a vote on this. You’re my fucking partner, so you take care of things if I ever take a bullet for you, you dumbass.”  
Nick seemed ready to make a joke about a “fucking partner”. Judy flashed him a look that could probably scare Bogo shitless. This wasn’t the time, nor the place.  
“All right, all right. Let’s… let’s call Talitha and see what she thinks about it. You’re doing us a great deal of help too… also, you owe me a new uniform.”

“Yeah, how do you come to work like this? It has claw marks on the chest and…” He sniffled, his voice shaky too. “Look, there is blood all over your shoulder. Shit… I think you broke my nose. Heh… see? I’m always complaining you’ve got a thick skull. Seems like you found something useful to do with it.”

The two of them laughed for a bit together, still holding each other, surrounded by their befuddled fellow officers.  
“We should already be patrolling by now, you know?” Complained Judy, her foot stomping the ground, more to try to break the silence than an actual compliant. Even a workaholic like her could understand the importance of that moment. “And now Snarolf have to get changed, and you Andersen should visit the infirmary… should we start without you guys?”

“Yeah, yeah, just hit the road, and… try to get Donuts over here to wake up” Said the older one. At some point the cheetah mind had apparently broken, thinking of all the gossip he’d be able to publish in MuzzleBook.  
Judy and Nick were left alone. At some point, the bunny realized she was still holding the carrot she had taken from Nick earlier. Suddenly a terribly evil idea popped in her mind.

With a quick move she snatched the foxe’s badge, placing it against the base of the carrot.  
“What do you think, Nick. It’s similar to the picture you sent me? More or less the same size.”  
The fox looked like he couldn’t recognize who that rabbit in front of him was, but soon gave her his trademark smirk.  
“Maybe a tad too thin around the base, but I can agree, it’s a similar length.”

That’s all she needed to know. She threw his badge back at him, before placing the carrot between her lips. Slowly, very, very slowly she pushed it inside her mouth. Nick’s eyes seemed to open more widely the more that vegetable disappeared inside his partner’s mouth. At some point she even pulled her head back, managing to reach the bottom end of the root before she bit down with a powerful crunch, making the fox gasp and cover his crotch instinctively.

She could only help but to chew, swallow and proudly smile.  
“I won «More veggie hot dogs eaten» three years in a row. I haven’t gagged since I was twelve years old, sweetie.”


End file.
